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1) "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry
2) "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb
3) "Duma Key" by Stephen King
4) "The Story of Edgar Sawtelle" by David Wroblewski
5) "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hoseini
6) "Bridge of Sighs" by Richard Russo
7) "The Secret Life of Bees" Sue Monk Kidd
8) "Sex God" by Rob Bell
9) "An Illustrated Life" by Danny Gregory
10) "The Awe-Manac" by Jill Badonsky
Archaic Torso of Apollo
by Rainer Maria Rilke
Translated by Stephen Mitchell
We cannot know his legendary head with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso is still suffused with brilliance from inside, like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low, gleams in all its power. Otherwise the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could a smile run through the placid hips and thighs to that dark center where procreation flared. Otherwise this stone would seem defaced beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders and would not glisten like a wild beast's fur: would not, from all the borders of itself, burst like a star: for here there is no place that does not see you. You must change your life.
The Layers
I have walked through many lives, some of them my own, and I am not who I was, though some principle of being abides, from which I struggle not to stray. When I look behind, as I am compelled to look before I can gather strength to proceed on my journey, I see the milestones dwindling toward the horizon and the slow fires trailing from the abandoned camp-sites, over which scavenger angels wheel on heavy wings. Oh, I have made myself a tribe out of my true affections, and my tribe is scattered! How shall the heart be reconciled to its feast of losses? In a rising wind the manic dust of my friends, those who fell along the way, bitterly stings my face. Yet I turn, I turn, exulting somewhat, with my will intact to go wherever I need to go, and every stone on the road precious to me. In my darkest night, when the moon was covered and I roamed through wreckage, a nimbus-clouded voice directed me: "Live in the layers, not on the litter." Though I lack the art to decipher it, no doubt the next chapter in my book of transformations is already written. I am not done with my changes.
The biopsy of the mole I had removed was benign. No cancer! This is a relief as I have had pre-cancer results in the past.
Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be. ~Clementine Paddleford
I just had a blast working with my 17 y.o. son on an art project for school. He had to pick a style to work in for the entire semester and he had chosen fauvism. The assignment was to do a self portrait in this style. He drew the portrait, but when it came to painting it in soft pastel, he was at a loss to pick a color scheme to work in. As we chose colors and began to apply them, he was aghast wondering how this would ever work. As he worked and the image began to take shape, I had the pleasure of seeing the light bulbs go off. I think he really got it. It was a rewarding moment.
He is much like I used to be, stuck in the perfectionistic rut of realism. I think this will really free him from that and will take him far. The portrait turned out wonderful and he has high hopes that he will earn a spot in the school showcase. I think he stands a good chance.
- Mood:
pleased
Testing testing
The pictures attached are of a new-favorite coffee cup as well as a gift of a wonderful book in which I have spent the last couple of days lost in the incredible story that lives within the pages. Another wonderful gift at a time when I really needed it.
I panicked this afternoon when I could not find the cup and was thrilled to find it right where I left it, on the fence post.
The first picture attached is the abandoned building that we stumbled upon on our way to Duluth. When I saw it, I simultaneously heard my heart-song loud and clear. This I do not understand but is the reason I must go back.
The second and third pictures are from my flower garden. 1) hybrid moss roses, my flower pick of the year, and 2) pansies.
And i will close with a quote that was on today's pages of a beautiful book of mine, 'Awakenings: Asian Wisdom for Every Day'. In some deep place in me, the truth of this landed with a resounding thud.
'He who stands on tiptoe will quickly lose his balance.
He who takes too many steps will not last the distance.
He who wants to shine will shed no light.
He who wants to be valued will go unnoticed.' ~Lao-tzu
10) gods in Alabama; Joshilyn Jackson, good
11) Run; Ann Patchett, good
12) The Secret Life of Bees; Sue Monk Kidd, excellent
13) The Shack; William P. Young, excellent
1) The fragrance of the Mock Orange in full bloom and drifting through my bedroom window as I fall to sleep.
2) The season at the greenhouse drawing to a close.
3) Being promoted to manager this year.
4) The peace I find as I lie back in the swing and let the breeze blow over me in my backyard at the end of a long day.
5) All things growing and green.
I was so in love with that man, our son was planned and conceived in love, and then when I called him at work when I first felt the baby move, only to be mistaken for the other woman, and told that he had filed for divorce... well.... I was so devastated that I cried all night and surely thought that I was going to die.
I didn't die, but instead went through the pregnancy and delivery alone. That remains the saddest and loneliest time of my life... feeling the wonder of life within me growing and having no one to share it with, and then bringing a child into this world without a father.
The sound of his voice still stirs that pain. I waited all those long days of pregnancy and afterwards, waiting for his voice, never to hear it.
Since yesterday's phonecall, old ghosts have been rattling their chains, and I would be lying if I said that it doesn't still hurt.
When does it end?
........................................
On with other things.
I have not written in a while as I have been super busy. I received yet another promotion to manager of the greenhouse. This was unexpected and a challenge that I graciously accepted. I've managed to take a totally messed up situation and in a few weeks time, turn it around to a total success of which I've received many compliments that have done wonders for my self-esteem.
The shots of b-12 that I have been getting are nothing short of a miracle. I feel the return of strength, stamina, well being ( both physical and mental). I feel I have been given my life back. Between that and the fact that I have remained a non-smoker for 4 months now, and can actually smell spring, I am dancing with a new aliveness to the fragrance of lilacs, rain, earth, and all of her gifts. I laugh at the antics of the baby robin's first ventures from its nest, and my soul heals with the bliss, the joy of being alive in this beautiful moment.
I don't fucking think so!
- Mood:
angry
"We live in a world of theophanies. Holiness comes wrapped in the ordinary. There are burning bushes all around you. Every tree is full of angels. Hidden beauty is waiting in every crumb. Life wants to lead you from crumbs to angels, but this can happen only if you are willing to unwrap the ordinary by staying with it long enough to harvest its treasure."
into your heart.
Who looks outside, dreams.
Who looks inside, awakens.
~Carl Jung~
It has been absolutely crazy also as we have all new hires and the manager had quit at the last minute. They offered me a position of assitant manager/ manager in training with a substantial raise, which I accepted. Which REALLY doubled my work load. I have off the weekend and I am going to need it just to recuperate. I am beyond exhaustion to the point of not being able to think, and having a very difficult time walking up and down the steps in the house.
It is most frustrating to find myself this unbearably tired and sore, but I finally have an answer to ALL of the medical problems that have plagued me for the last ten years, especially the fatigue, memory loss and mental confusion, depression, shakes, and inability to keep my balance which often has me crashing into walls. It is not my thyroid as suspected, but instead is a severe B12 deficiency. The condition is quite serious, but treatable. I have to go in for regular injections for the next 6 months after which they will test me again. Depending on those results, I will either have to continue with injections or begin a round of oral medication. If I cannot absorb the B12 orally, then I am looking at daily injections for the rest of my life, much like a diabetic. This is good news in that I should regain my mental functions, as well as recover from the fatigue. However, any damage done to the central nervous system is permanent. Time will only tell the extent.
It is a relief to know that this has not been all in my head nor do I suffer from hypochondria or dementia. And I am soooo thrilled that it is something treatable rather than some of the things they had mentioned, like early onset parkinson's. Also, I am relieved that I don't have to keep pushing against this fatigue and trying to pretend that I feel good. My husband never understood the level of fatigue that I have to endure on a daily basis, and so I tried to hide it or fake it. It is a relief to say, "I'm tired. I need a nap." and to not be barraged with guilt.
I'm uncertain what I am going to be doing this weekend, but am looking forward to the downtime. I hope to catch up on LJ friends, emails, and a few things around the house. Other than that, I'm laying low. I hope that all of my beautiful women friends, both online and off, have a wonderful Mother's Day. Whether or not you have children, this day should be celebrated by all, because the nurturing of a woman is what makes this world go round.
- Mood:
exhausted
1) Being able to smell the fragrance of spring.
2) Tomorrow is three months of being a non-smoker.
3) My best friend. I cannot believe that for so many years I was missing this.
4) Spending the day with my best friend antiquing.
5) Marionettes to play with in the store and make them dance to “la-cucharacha”.
6) Laughing over a fat jewish bride salt shaker, with half her cleavage showing.
7) Tomorrow I start my seasonal job at the greenhouse.
8) For a husband that loves me the best way he knows how.
9) Fresh veggies and dip
10) For my friends at LJ
"I do only want to advise you to keep growing quietly and seriously throughout your whole development; you cannot disturb it more rudely than by looking outward and expecting from outside replies to questions that only your inmost feeling in your most hushed hour can perhaps answer."
