Ok. I have calmed down since yesterday's tirade, which even shocked me. I have come such a long way with making peace with my life, that it shocks me that that level of rage can still be triggered after all these years, by just the sound of his voice. 

I was so in love with that man, our son was planned and conceived in love, and then when I called him at work when I first felt the baby move, only to be mistaken for the other woman, and told that he had filed for divorce... well.... I was so devastated that I cried all night and surely thought that I was going to die. 

I didn't die, but instead went through the pregnancy and delivery alone. That remains the saddest and loneliest time of my life... feeling the wonder of life within me growing and having no one to share it with, and then bringing a child into this world without a father.

The sound of his voice still stirs that pain. I waited all those long days of pregnancy and afterwards, waiting for his voice, never to hear it.

Since yesterday's phonecall, old ghosts have been rattling their chains, and I would be lying if I said that it doesn't still hurt.

When does it end?

...........................................

On with other things.

I have not written in a while as I have been super busy. I received yet another promotion to manager of the greenhouse. This was unexpected and a challenge that I graciously accepted. I've managed to take a totally messed up situation and in a few weeks time, turn it around to a total success of which I've received many compliments that have done wonders for my self-esteem.

The shots of b-12 that I have been getting are nothing short of a miracle. I feel the return of strength, stamina, well being ( both physical and mental). I feel I have been given my life back. Between that and the fact that I have remained a non-smoker for 4 months now, and can actually smell spring, I am dancing with a new aliveness to the fragrance of lilacs, rain, earth, and all of her gifts. I laugh at the antics of the baby robin's first ventures from its nest, and my soul heals with the bliss, the joy of being alive in this beautiful moment.