Learning My Wings

My Favorite Books 2008

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 05:38:00 GMT

1) "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry

2) "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb

3) "Duma Key" by Stephen King

4) "The Story of Edgar Sawtelle" by David Wroblewski

5) "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hoseini

6) "Bridge of Sighs" by Richard Russo

7) "The Secret Life of Bees" Sue Monk Kidd

8) "Sex God" by Rob Bell

9) "An Illustrated Life" by Danny Gregory

10) "The Awe-Manac" by Jill Badonsky

Poems to end 2008

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:24:12 GMT

Archaic Torso of Apollo

by Rainer Maria Rilke
Translated by Stephen Mitchell

We cannot know his legendary head
with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso
is still suffused with brilliance from inside,
like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,

gleams in all its power. Otherwise
the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could 
a smile run through the placid hips and thighs
to that dark center where procreation flared.

Otherwise this stone would seem defaced
beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders
and would not glisten like a wild beast's fur:

would not, from all the borders of itself,
burst like a star: for here there is no place
that does not see you. You must change your life.

The Layers

by Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

No Cancer

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:35:15 GMT

The biopsy of the mole I had removed was benign. No cancer! This is a relief as I have had pre-cancer results in the past.

Today's Advice

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 14:23:16 GMT

Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be. ~Clementine Paddleford

Homework Can Be Fun

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:12:08 GMT

I just had a blast working with my 17 y.o. son on an art project for school. He had to pick a style to work in for the entire semester and he had chosen fauvism. The assignment was to do a self portrait in this style. He drew the portrait, but when it came to painting it in soft pastel, he was at a loss to pick a color scheme to work in. As we chose colors and began to apply them, he was aghast wondering how this would ever work. As he worked and the image began to take shape, I had the pleasure of seeing the light bulbs go off. I think he really got it. It was a rewarding moment.

He is much like I used to be, stuck in the perfectionistic rut of realism. I think this will really free him from that and will take him far. The portrait turned out wonderful and he has high hopes that he will earn a spot in the school showcase. I think he stands a good chance.

Testing Live Writer

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 01:27:18 GMT

Testing testing

Daily Gems 08-07-08

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:06:22 GMT

The best daily gem that I recieved today actually had to do with yesterday's picture of the pansies which I had set as my desktop background. I noticed that there is a heart contained within the pansies, and makes up for most of the pansy itself. At the heart of the flower it is white and yellow, the symbolic signs of purity and of the divine, which I believe to be the core essense of who we are. This was a love-message from the ultimate divine to me at a time when I am hurting and uncertain about many things.

The pictures attached are of a new-favorite coffee cup as well as a gift of a wonderful book in which I have spent the last couple of days lost in the incredible story that lives within the pages. Another wonderful gift at a time when I really needed it.

I panicked this afternoon when I could not find the cup and was thrilled to find it right where I left it, on the fence post.

Daily Gems

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:47:53 GMT

The first picture attached is the abandoned building that we stumbled upon on our way to Duluth. When I saw it, I simultaneously heard my heart-song loud and clear. This I do not understand but is the reason I must go back.

The second and third pictures are from my flower garden. 1) hybrid moss roses, my flower pick of the year, and 2) pansies.

And i will close with a quote that was on today's pages of a beautiful book of mine, 'Awakenings: Asian Wisdom for Every Day'. In some deep place in me, the truth of this landed with a resounding thud.

'He who stands on tiptoe will quickly lose his balance.
He who takes too many steps will not last the distance.
He who wants to shine will shed no light.
He who wants to be valued will go unnoticed.' ~Lao-tzu

Untitled

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:02:58 GMT

10) gods in Alabama; Joshilyn Jackson, good
11) Run; Ann Patchett, good
12) The Secret Life of Bees; Sue Monk Kidd, excellent
13) The Shack; William P. Young, excellent

See more progress on: read 25 books in 2008

Blah Blah Blah

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 02:36:06 GMT

61508, originally uploaded by roma672.

Don't you ever wish you
could just shut off the voices and hear yourself breath?

On June 30 2008, I am grateful for:

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 02:52:37 GMT

1) The fragrance of the Mock Orange in full bloom and drifting through my bedroom window as I fall to sleep.
2) The season at the greenhouse drawing to a close.
3) Being promoted to manager this year.
4) The peace I find as I lie back in the swing and let the breeze blow over me in my backyard at the end of a long day.
5) All things growing and green.

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I'm grateful.

Fri, 30 May 2008 23:55:03 GMT

Ok. I have calmed down since yesterday's tirade, which even shocked me. I have come such a long way with making peace with my life, that it shocks me that that level of rage can still be triggered after all these years, by just the sound of his voice.

I was so in love with that man, our son was planned and conceived in love, and then when I called him at work when I first felt the baby move, only to be mistaken for the other woman, and told that he had filed for divorce... well.... I was so devastated that I cried all night and surely thought that I was going to die.

I didn't die, but instead went through the pregnancy and delivery alone. That remains the saddest and loneliest time of my life... feeling the wonder of life within me growing and having no one to share it with, and then bringing a child into this world without a father.

The sound of his voice still stirs that pain. I waited all those long days of pregnancy and afterwards, waiting for his voice, never to hear it.

Since yesterday's phonecall, old ghosts have been rattling their chains, and I would be lying if I said that it doesn't still hurt.

When does it end?

...........................................

On with other things.

I have not written in a while as I have been super busy. I received yet another promotion to manager of the greenhouse. This was unexpected and a challenge that I graciously accepted. I've managed to take a totally messed up situation and in a few weeks time, turn it around to a total success of which I've received many compliments that have done wonders for my self-esteem.

The shots of b-12 that I have been getting are nothing short of a miracle. I feel the return of strength, stamina, well being ( both physical and mental). I feel I have been given my life back. Between that and the fact that I have remained a non-smoker for 4 months now, and can actually smell spring, I am dancing with a new aliveness to the fragrance of lilacs, rain, earth, and all of her gifts. I laugh at the antics of the baby robin's first ventures from its nest, and my soul heals with the bliss, the joy of being alive in this beautiful moment.

Angry!

Thu, 29 May 2008 16:51:47 GMT

The stupid son-of-a-bitch called again. Can't get it through his head that neither I nor my oldest son want a damn thing to do with him. He left me when I was four months pregnant with my first child, for another woman... then gave up his son for adoption then he found out I was remarried. Why the fuck does he think that after all these years, any of us want to have a fucking thing to do with him? The first time he saw his son was when he was three years old, and then only stopped because he was passing through. Then when he was five, he spent a day with him, because he was passing through. That's it. Asked current husband to adopt him because he didn't want to pay child support. Then after all these years, he wants to be dear old dad?

I don't fucking think so!

Sat, 17 May 2008 13:19:51 GMT

"We live in a world of theophanies. Holiness comes wrapped in the ordinary. There are burning bushes all around you. Every tree is full of angels. Hidden beauty is waiting in every crumb. Life wants to lead you from crumbs to angels, but this can happen only if you are willing to unwrap the ordinary by staying with it long enough to harvest its treasure."

-- Macrina Wiederkehr

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:17:06 GMT

more cat pictures

Note to Self

Mon, 12 May 2008 12:35:16 GMT

"The bird of paradise alights only on the hand that does not grasp."

-- John Berry

Note to Self

Sun, 11 May 2008 02:20:37 GMT

Your vision will become clear only when you look
into your heart.

Who looks outside, dreams.

Who looks inside, awakens.

~Carl Jung~

Update

Sat, 10 May 2008 14:04:32 GMT

I haven't posted anything in a while. This week we opened the greenhouse and I have been working balls to th wall all week. The people I work for are a family owned business from Minnesota who set up satelite greenhouses in parking lots around the state. The company now runs 26 of these satelites and is finding themselves having to order in many plants such as tropicals, shrubs, and perrenials, as they are not able to keep up with the demand. Our sites are rather large for a small operation, and we just began to set up the one that I work at, this last Monday. We have taken delivery of truckload after truckload of product all week, until I couldn't barely stand up straight or walk anymore.

It has been absolutely crazy also as we have all new hires and the manager had quit at the last minute. They offered me a position of assitant manager/ manager in training with a substantial raise, which I accepted. Which REALLY doubled my work load. I have off the weekend and I am going to need it just to recuperate. I am beyond exhaustion to the point of not being able to think, and having a very difficult time walking up and down the steps in the house.

It is most frustrating to find myself this unbearably tired and sore, but I finally have an answer to ALL of the medical problems that have plagued me for the last ten years, especially the fatigue, memory loss and mental confusion, depression, shakes, and inability to keep my balance which often has me crashing into walls. It is not my thyroid as suspected, but instead is a severe B12 deficiency. The condition is quite serious, but treatable. I have to go in for regular injections for the next 6 months after which they will test me again. Depending on those results, I will either have to continue with injections or begin a round of oral medication. If I cannot absorb the B12 orally, then I am looking at daily injections for the rest of my life, much like a diabetic. This is good news in that I should regain my mental functions, as well as recover from the fatigue. However, any damage done to the central nervous system is permanent. Time will only tell the extent.

It is a relief to know that this has not been all in my head nor do I suffer from hypochondria or dementia. And I am soooo thrilled that it is something treatable rather than some of the things they had mentioned, like early onset parkinson's. Also, I am relieved that I don't have to keep pushing against this fatigue and trying to pretend that I feel good. My husband never understood the level of fatigue that I have to endure on a daily basis, and so I tried to hide it or fake it. It is a relief to say, "I'm tired. I need a nap." and to not be barraged with guilt.

I'm uncertain what I am going to be doing this weekend, but am looking forward to the downtime. I hope to catch up on LJ friends, emails, and a few things around the house. Other than that, I'm laying low. I hope that all of my beautiful women friends, both online and off, have a wonderful Mother's Day. Whether or not you have children, this day should be celebrated by all, because the nurturing of a woman is what makes this world go round.

On May 4, 2008, I am grateful for:

Sun, 04 May 2008 22:23:18 GMT

1) Being able to smell the fragrance of spring.
2) Tomorrow is three months of being a non-smoker.
3) My best friend. I cannot believe that for so many years I was missing this.
4) Spending the day with my best friend antiquing.
5) Marionettes to play with in the store and make them dance to “la-cucharacha”.
6) Laughing over a fat jewish bride salt shaker, with half her cleavage showing.
7) Tomorrow I start my seasonal job at the greenhouse.
8) For a husband that loves me the best way he knows how.
9) Fresh veggies and dip
10) For my friends at LJ

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I'm grateful.

Note to Self

Sun, 04 May 2008 16:26:09 GMT

"I do only want to advise you to keep growing quietly and seriously throughout your whole development; you cannot disturb it more rudely than by looking outward and expecting from outside replies to questions that only your inmost feeling in your most hushed hour can perhaps answer."

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Sat, 03 May 2008 12:49:13 GMT

I woke up this morning to sunshine and snuggled a little closer to my husband, contemplating the day ahead of me which I will be spending with my best friend antiquing, and smiling at the events of last evening as I watched my third child go to his first prom. Knowing that my mind and or health could be slipping makes me feel very grateful and blessed with each day and each moment I am given.

Medical Update

Sat, 03 May 2008 03:08:17 GMT

I went to see the internist as planned today. He explained the results of all the tests to me. It seems that what my heart is doing is nothing to worry about. It as if the electrical wiring has a short, the way he explained it to me. PVC's and PAC's. I guess that everyone has them to some extent or another. Mine just seem to be a bit more pronounced and often. My appointment lasted nearly an hour and was accompanied by some kind of neurological exam, where my ability to maintain balance with my eyes closed was but one of many tests administered and one that I badly failed. I am always tipping over, especially in the dark. We went over all the various symptoms that have led me from doctor to doctor and have caused the doctors to be certain that something is wrong with my thyroid. He is doing more thorough testing for thyroid disease, but he expects that something is seriously wrong neurologically. In his words, it is as if "the body is not talking to the brain".

At first I wasn't too shook although he mentioned some scary possibilities, but when I met my husband for lunch afterward, I broke down in tears. What this could potentially mean is very frightening, but I keep telling myself that what is... already is. Having a name for it doesn't change what I live with already. And at the same time, I was relieved in a way. After all of the doctoring I have done the past ten years, it is nice to know that it hasn't all been in my head, and with all the things I have been experiencing this past winter it is nice to know that I am not losing my mind. I talked with my employer of which I had taken a leave of absence from and told them what was happening and we agreed that I will only be working on an as needed basis for now. This is a huge relief as working felt like a huge mental challenge that i just wasn't able to cope with. I would come home and break down crying because I just couldn't seem to keep up or remember things.

I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse, but am finding myself more than a little shook up. My husband however, has been so tender with me, and supportive of me not working. He has assured me that we will just learn to deal with whatever this is, together. When he is this kind I feel blessed and more than a little guilty for all the times I have hated him and questioned his integrity.

Fri, 02 May 2008 01:25:42 GMT

My baby, 12 y.o. daughter is taller than me! When did that happen! I am now officially the shortest person in the family.

My Message from the Universe for Today

Fri, 02 May 2008 01:04:36 GMT

"Yeah, Roma, you almost need to be a freak of nature, but it's so in you." http://www.tut.com/

Oh my gosh, I am craving fresh pineapple. I never eat fresh pineapple, and yet I am on my second one this week. What's up with that? And no! I am not pregnant!

Note to Self

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:23:52 GMT

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet
tired of the man." ~Rabindranath Tagore